I slept fitfully last night, mainly because I was too hot, but also because my mind was playing all sorts of tricks on me. Somehow, in a very sleepy state, I began wondering whether I was having contractions although a) I wasn't in any kind of pain at all and b) Um, no, I wasn't. I don't know if it was wishful thinking or crazy sleepy delusions or what, but once I started thinking about contractions, I could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned until about 2:30, until I realize Jimmy was up shutting windows. "What are you doing?" I mumbled when he returned. "Trying to make you comfortable," he said. "You've made it pretty clear that you're not what with your thrashing around and sighing."
He turned on the air conditioning for me. He really knows how to speak my love language.
I slept better after that, but my mind really never shut down all night it seemed. One thing it came back to a few times was something a woman said to us yesterday at the veterinarian's office. The woman behind the desk had asked when I was due, and another woman had crowded into our conversation as she checked her dog in. "That's very optimistic of you," she said, meaning having the baby. Jimmy and I looked at each other, puzzled, as she repeated herself. "You're assuming we planned this," I joked. The women laughed, but then the one said, "Well, it's optimistic of you to keep it then."
Now... is that a weird thing to say or what?
What did she mean? That these are such bad, dark days that procreating is the ultimate sign of optimism? That our world is going to such hell that no one but a true optimist could ever see it fit to bring a child to life? I guess that's the way I took her comment. And that strikes me as a pretty sad outlook. I realize times are tough, especially here in Michigan, where jobs are being cut, where young, talented people keep fleeing, where housing prices continue to drop and homes sit on the market for years, where foreclosures are a way of life, and where there is little sign of anything changing soon. I have to admit, though, that even in my skeptical first few months of pregnancy, never once did I think that the world was in such bad shape that I ought not even considering having children.
As a Christian, my viewpoint is a little different. I see the beauty of God everywhere -- in nature, in kindness, in love, in family and friends. I see a future that is by no means going to come without suffering, but one that will be worth it because God will be there for it. And I see an eternity that has nothing to do with the current economic status or climbing gas prices. To think of living my life out of fear of the future or fear of the present situation, without any trust that there is something bigger at work and someone much, much greater than me and the government in charge, that's just sad, sad, sad to imagine. I know the world Luke's coming into isn't perfect. And his life won't be either. I still think it's a life worth living.
I guess if that makes me an optimist, so be it.